The character arc of Esther Perel

A life drawn by Character Arc from the public record

Born on 13 August 1958 in Leuven, Belgium, and raised in Antwerp, to two Polish Jewish survivors of the Holocaust. Between then and now sit a degree at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, a master's at Lesley University, thirteen years teaching at the NYU School of Medicine, Mating in Captivity in 2006, TED talks in 2013 and 2015, The State of Affairs in 2017 and two podcasts. The line below draws the story so far, in order.

Tap the line to pluck it. Hover or tap any mark for its card. Drawn from the public record of her life; the sources are at the foot of the page.

Who is Esther Perel?

She asks the questions everybody else avoids.

She was born in Leuven and raised in Antwerp, the daughter of Sala Ferlegier and Icek Perel, both Polish Jewish survivors of the Holocaust. She took a degree in educational psychology and French literature at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and a master's in expressive arts therapy at Lesley University in Cambridge, Massachusetts. She trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy and then specialised in family systems theory, and she works in nine languages.

She was a clinical instructor at the New York University School of Medicine for thirteen years. Mating in Captivity, published in 2006, asks why desire so often fades inside a secure long relationship, and answers that security and desire want opposite conditions. It has been translated into twenty four languages.

Her TED talk The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship, given in February 2013, and Rethinking Infidelity, given in March 2015, are among the most watched talks on the subject anybody has given. The State of Affairs came in 2017, on infidelity, which is a subject most therapists will discuss only in private. She hosts the podcasts Where Should We Begin and How's Work, in which real sessions are recorded with consent, and runs a clothing boutique in Antwerp, which is the most unexpected line in her biography.

The moments

Esther Perel's timeline.

The 1950s

13 Aug 1958

Born in Leuven

Milestone, and it changed her direction. Two survivors, and a childhood in Antwerp. She has said in public that it shaped the work.

The 1980s

Jun 1981

Jerusalem, then Lesley

Milestone, and it changed her direction. Two countries for two degrees, and nine languages in the end.

Jun 1985

Family systems

Milestone, and it changed everything. The switch from treating one person to treating the space between two.

The 1990s

Sep 1995

Thirteen years teaching

Milestone, and it changed her direction. Thirteen years teaching doctors, alongside the practice.

The 2000s

1 Jun 2005

Practise quietly, or publish

Crossroads, decided.

The paths laid out: publish the argument, taken, or keep it in the room. The book reached twenty four languages, and the talks that followed reached audiences no consulting room could.

12 Sep 2006

Mating in Captivity

Milestone, and it changed everything. Security and desire want opposite conditions. That is the sentence the whole book turns on.

The 2010s

Feb 2013

The first TED talk

Milestone, and it changed everything. The argument taken from the consulting room to a stage, in eighteen minutes.

Mar 2015

Rethinking Infidelity

Milestone, and it changed everything. A subject most therapists will discuss only behind a closed door, discussed in public.

10 Oct 2017

The State of Affairs

Milestone, and it changed everything. A whole book about the thing nobody wants a whole book about.

Jun 2019

The podcasts

Milestone, and it changed her direction. Real sessions, recorded with consent, which had not been done at that scale before.

The 2020s

Jun 2022

A shop in Antwerp

Milestone. A clothing shop in the city she grew up in, which is the most unexpected line in her biography.

The line reaches today still adding to itself, which is why it is drawn now rather than at the end. What it has set moving is a vocabulary: a great many couples now have words for what is happening between them, which is most of the work.

What she wrote

Books by Esther Perel

2006
Mating in Captivity
Unlocking erotic intelligence. Why security and desire want opposite conditions. Translated into twenty four languages.
2017
The State of Affairs
Rethinking infidelity. A whole book about the subject most therapists will only discuss behind a closed door.

Your turn

Every line draws a unique story.

Hers took the subjects everybody avoids and made a career of asking about them plainly. Yours is already further along than you think, and drawing it takes about five minutes.

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Esther Perel: frequently asked questions

What people ask about her line.

What is Esther Perel's character arc?

The daughter of two Holocaust survivors, educated in Jerusalem and Massachusetts, who trained as a therapist, taught at a medical school for thirteen years, and then published the arguments about desire and infidelity that most of her profession keeps private.

What is Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel?

Her book of 2006, subtitled unlocking erotic intelligence. Its central argument is that security and desire want opposite conditions, which is why desire so often fades inside a stable long relationship.

What is The State of Affairs by Esther Perel?

Her book of 2017, on infidelity, written after a TED talk on the same subject in March 2015. It is a whole book about something most therapists will only discuss behind a closed door.

Where is Esther Perel from?

She was born in Leuven, Belgium on 13 August 1958 and raised in Antwerp, the daughter of Sala Ferlegier and Icek Perel, both Polish Jewish survivors of the Holocaust. She works in nine languages.

What did Esther Perel study?

Educational psychology and French literature at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, and a master's in expressive arts therapy at Lesley University in Massachusetts. She trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy and then in family systems theory.

What podcasts does Esther Perel host?

Where Should We Begin, in which real therapy sessions are recorded with consent, and How's Work, which applies the same method to working relationships. Neither had been done at that scale before.

What are Esther Perel's TED talks?

The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship, given in February 2013, and Rethinking Infidelity, given in March 2015. They are among the most watched talks about relationships that anybody has given.

Where does this timeline of Esther Perel's life come from?

From the public record. Character Arc drew every moment on this line from the sources listed at the foot of the page, and the kind and weight of each moment are our editorial reading. Esther Perel isn't a Member of Character Arc and has no connection with it, and no feeling is attributed to her.

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Sources

Esther Perel, English Wikipedia biography, filed under living people.
TED, The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship, February 2013, and Rethinking Infidelity, March 2015.
Publisher records for Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs.